another moral hangover. fuck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
