His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
