Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
