he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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