I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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