Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
