Yo dont text me then not text me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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