i just wanna soil my oats bro
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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