My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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