I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
