Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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