So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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