woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I still have a little drunk in my system
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
