Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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