The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
