That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
