I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
