I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
the liver wants what the liver wants
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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