if you like me you must not know who I am
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
my poor anus
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
