Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
