Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
