I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
