I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
