My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
