there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
