My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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