I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
