Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
