It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
