Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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