I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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