You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
