im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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