Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
