if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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