I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
