Where is the hickey?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
