Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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