She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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