I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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