Welp...herpes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
