hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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