i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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