I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
