Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize