As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
