i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
