I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
