all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
