i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
