he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I should be sponsored by Trojan
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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