so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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