mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
