I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
