Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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