Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I touched a dick in church today
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
