swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
