That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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