my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's shark week go big or go home
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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