for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
