my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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