Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think my moral compass just broke
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
