You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
